YUCK!

I heard a sneeze from the other room. juicy sneeze. It was Ty.
I went in to check on him.
"Hey, HEY!! Do NOT wipe your nose on the dog!!!!!"
Seriously.
Welcome to my world.
On another note. I got the mail today and there was a political flyer. Ty says "John McCain!!!, Mom, look, Sarah Paywinn (Palin)!!! Are they coming for dinner??"
"Not with boogers on the dog", I said.
Can you tell we watch alot of CNN. By "we", I mean Todd.
p.s. Ty is 4 and can name the candidates and their Vice's, along with party affiliations, and a few others.
He seems so intelligent.........at times!

still......

I woke up this morning feeling very much the same as yesterday. crappy. I laid in bed just wanting to somehow sink into the mattress, which would be very easy considering i felt like i was filled with lead pellets. i remember this feeling well. i am not fond of it, knowing that i have a million responsibilities. i cannot slow down, let alone stop. i want to stop. my arms want to stop. my legs. you know, just lay down and give up for the day. maybe tomorrow, too. i swear, i have a list a mile long. all of them important. yet, i am willing to stop. i am not that type of person. typically. this tunnel vision that i have acquired makes me think i am that type of person. I forgot how horrible inexplicable this is. twice a year i become this crazy shell of myself. as much as i hate it, i cannot think that it is without purpose. that's another thing i hate, a purpose that i am not aware of. how many times have i heard that. "purpose to everything". I guess if you look at a situation as cause and effect, you can connect the two. what if you look at it and cannot connect the two. that is where i am. still confused, still sad, still frustrated, still in shock, still angry, still speechless. still wanting.

all of the bitter, none of the sweet

Today, I went to Wal-Mart. Yay. got all my crap. put it in my crappy cart with one stupid wobbly wheel. stood in the checkout line. got my receipt. looked at the date. big bag of bricks right in the face. today is September 16, 2008. not that today is important, but fairly close. September 30, 2004, Romans birthday. He would be 6. i should turn that crappy cart around and be headed for the party aisle. i should be looking at cakes. there should be some Power Ranger something in my cart. something that says I have a 6 year old boy. i don't. i feel lost and empty and angry and cheated out of mundane tasks. i want cake, but something about that is celebration for something that should be there, but isn't. do you celebrate "almost", do you celebrate "potentially", do you celebrate "supposed to". NO. people look at you weird. i would look at me weird. my mirror self would not agree. something unnerving about being blindsided by an event that, under different circumstances, would be obvious. i wouldn't likely have waited until 2 weeks prior to start thinking about a birthday party. I feel like I have let him down. I forgot. that is the worst thing. forgetting.
i feel horrible.

something that resonates

"That which is to give light must endure burning"
Viktor Fankl

;)

Just thought I would share a family pic. It is from last weekend when we went to Horse thief res. to go fishing. Don't tell Ty. He went with us, but insists that we didn't go fishing, because we didn't catch any fish. Oh well, at least we (by "we", I mean "I") didn't have to clean any fish!! Nothing like a 2 hour drive home knowing that the windows are rolled down because of what's on your pant leg. :) It was a beautiful day. Indescribable. I won't even try.

We took this picture on the side of the road, somewhere between here and there. Max (dog) had to pee. Something about the river and the smell of pine that makes my kids go nuts. Looking for bugs, yelling into the mountain, picking up rocks, digging in dirt, throwing rocks into the water......all so theraputic to a child. Fun afternoon. These are the kinds of things I want my kids to remember. I want to be 85, and have Lexie's daughter ask me about the time we went fishing........

Preschool, day one

Yesterday was the first day of preschool. Todd dropped off and picked Ty up on his first day. I met up with my boys for lunch after. I asked Ty, "how was your first day?" enthusiasic response: "I did not get in trouble" followed by darting eyes. Do men not pick up on this??? I asked "what did you do?", "nothing!" he said. Todd was giving me a crazy look and said "didn't you hear him, he said he did NOT get in trouble!". Seriously. After some prodding I was still making no progress and decided to make some phone calls that night. Shortly after we got home I got a phone call from one of the other moms. "Did you hear about preschool?"she asked. Crap.
Apperently Ty was coloring on the walls. (side note, it is a cooperative preschool, and was held at Becky's house.) I feel horrible, here she has 6 four year olds and my little dork is writing on the wall in her dining room! Becky is not the most forward person. She didn't want to have to call me and tell me. She did anyway. She said she didn't want him to get into trouble. Too late!! Anyway, I guess when he got caught, she told him he was not in trouble, and that they were going to go over the rules again. Hence, the response, "I did not get in trouble." He totally thought he got off scott free!!! Some days you are so proud of your kids. Some days. Well, I guess we try again on Thursday.

Just when things were going good...

This isn't so much about me. It is about Sherron. She is my aunt, and a person whom I respect very much. Lately I have been spending a lot of time with Sherron. It is her cabin that I went to last week. We picked huckleberries, ate slightly burnt cheese popcorn, watched the sun set on the lake, went in search of cabins that were for sale (so Todd and I could have our own) and talked. I took Max, my dog. He plays with her dogs, Josie and Giles. They are all Cairn Terriers (Toto on Wizard of Oz) and we got them from the same breeder. We joke that they are all related. Josie is 9 and Giles was the runt from her first and only litter. Giles is 8. We had a blast and when I left, as always, made plans to return more often. On Sunday, Sherron called me with the bad news that Giles had died of a heart attack quite suddenly. Now, Giles was a good dog. Tremendously smart. I am sad that he is gone. She is crushed. It is this that touches me. I have never seen Sherron cry. Never. Plenty of acceptable opportunity, but no. Not until now.
They are in the process of renting their house in Meridian and living at the cabin in the mountains. Did I mention that her cabin is nicer than my house? Any way today we were at the house cleaning and painting and getting 35 years worth of accumulation organized and I realized (again) how a loss is a loss, no matter how big or small. She said something interesting to me. "I shouldn't have let myself get so attached to a dog." It struck a nerve with me and I had to sternly correct her. It is those attachments that make it all worth while. It is that attachment that I have with her. As painfull as it is to loose something and what a horrible feeling it brings, it is, as they say "better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all". I would never wish that lesson on anyone. What a crappy thing. To think of something that you have loved the most and almost instantly realize that same thing has caused you so much pain. A lesson in contradictions, that's for sure. Like I said, Just when things were going good.......you realize you stepped in crap. It will ruin your day, and probably your shoes.

Yada, yada, yada.....

So that is how I am describing the last month that I have been absent from my blog. I could go back and recapture all the funny, interesting, aggrivating, blissfull things that have but honestly, who has the time? Just know, school for Lexie got off to a great start despite learning that her elementary school was overcrowded and her class would be held a the school next to hers, with the "big kids". To add to the trauma, she has a man teacher (her words, not mine). Devastating. Whatever. We compensated the bad news by getting highlights, and lipgloss. It is such a girl thing. It worked. I escaped for 30 hours and went up to the cabin. Alone. Came home with purple stained hands ( huckelberries) and a renewed energy, which is just what I needed to clean my house after being gone for 30 hours!!
I am now in baking mode. Homemade lasagne (noodles included), bread, banana bread, sticky buns, cinnamon rolls, pies, cheesecakes, the list goes on and on. Back to school throws me into some sick Martha Stewart cycle that is horrible for my hips!!! Ty starts preschool after labor day. I am not sad. It is a relief to be at a point in your life that you appreciate that your hard work has paid off, even to a very very small degree. Like a few hours twice a week. I think I will try peeing with the door shut. Or making brownies and not sharing all the gooey batter left in the bowl. Maybe I will just sit out on the deck and not have to wonder what that clicking noise is. (Long story, just know it was not a pleasant revelation!!)
Wow, now that I am thinking about it, alot has happend. I will include tidbits where I can. Some of it is just too good to miss. I hesitate posting a huge long post this time because, although I would love to tell you all, I am seeing so many opportunities that need me right now. The garden is beckoning, the dogs playfulness is undeniable, the kids are giggley, and the weather is nice. Who can resist???

epiphanies

there are only a few precious weeks left of summer.
my baby Ty will be in preschool! He will be in good hands:)
my amazing Lexie-Lou will be in 3d grade.
i remember being in 3d grade.
i remember having a crush on a boy.
my baby will have a crush on a boy!!!
i am at an impass in my life.
i hope it is not a midlife crisis. I would hate to die at 60.:0
i am itching for a change and continuity at the same time.
anyone else have this problem?
i realized that i am so excited for the fair.
i am secretly wanting to wear a sweater.
i miss homemade bread and beef stew.
laundry still sucks as much as it did 10 years ago.
i married the best man in the world.
i am spoiled.
i am ok with that.
i spoil him in return.
my garden sucks.
"A" for effort, right?
i already know what my kids will be for halloween.
i still haven't finished Holly's baby quilt.
she had her baby already.
i feel a little better now!

My new "thing"

I am not bored by any means. I bake, quilt, paint, craft etc... but for some reason I felt I drawn to a pattern that was given to me. Here it is. My new "thing". Making bags. This is my favorite so far. The brown fabric is vine-ey looking but is actually little swirly sqirrels. It looks nothing like the pattern. What can I say, I have always had to add my own touch. (That means I don't like to follow directions!) I like it. It was a gift for Sherron. She loves nature-ish stuff. I think I will play with it a bit and see how it does at the McCall craft show.

Todd is going to LOVE having MORE bags in the closet! He has already been reduced to less than a third of a 117 sq ft. closet!!

What?!? A girl needs her bags! (and shoes!)

Let me know what you think! Any suggestions?

Tyrus James Moyer

Cute, huh. This is Ty. This is the reason I shampooed my carpets not once but twice yesterday. The reason we have to make sure none of the words we use even end in "..uck", "..it", etc... The reason we have to remember never to never hide easter eggs in a tailpipe. The reason two rows of my garden won't grow. The reason the word "optional" was invented, as in 'underwear optional', 'bath optional', the reason I get up early (partly to get one step ahead, partly to see him groggily walk down the stars and smile when he wakes up!). The reason fathers hope for sons. The reason sisters hope for brothers. The reasons moms love their babies.

The Slammer

Today we went to the Old Idaho Pen. Ty loved it. I am a little concerned! He was eager to go into every cell. He kept interrupting the tour guide saying "lock it!". Lexie was a bit more reserved. It amazes me how crazy little boys can be. Touching everything, climbing everything, poking anything with a stick, kicking dirt, spitting etc... And how different girls can be. This was definitly an outing geared toward Ty. Maybe next time we will have a tea party;) Poor Lexie. Todd and I really like camping, fishing etc.. Ty has caught on really quickly. Lexie is more of a 4 Star hotel girl. She is a good sport and tags along, though! Check back for our next adventure!

Family

It has definitley been a convoluted 24 hours. Ever feel like you are awake in a dream? You try to step back and get a sense of the true situation, come to find out it is exactly what you first saw. Leaving you maybe more confused at the fact that it wasn't a misinterpretation after all.
What do you do when people change, become who they aren't meant to be. When parents become the children and children parent their own. I am a firm believer that people are in our lives for a reason, to fulfill a purpose. I also believe that often times once the purpose is met people drift apart. Not a bad thing, just happens. And just as often, relationships can become toxic. It is hard to let go of a toxic relationship, especially when it is family. I cannot waste my time and energy on a person who, for whatever reason, finds it neccesary to find fault in me. To blame me for their shortcomings. To hold me accountable for their bad choices. To be jealous of my circumstances and therefore harbor negativity. Whatever happened to calling your mother for advice, and reassurance? Instead I get chastised for being "fortunate". I get reminded of all the bad things I have ever done and not suffered the consequenses. I am scathingly called a bitch because I am honest.
I am not generally a judgemental person. I love my family and they all know that I am invested regardless of their circumstances. I truly believe that family is the apex of life. It is why I am so frustrated to find toxicity within mine. Not that there wasn't conflict. That is a neccesary evil. This goes beyond. I don't think that I can maintain this relationship. I don't think I have said that ever before about a family member.

A little late, but we had a great 4th of July. I will add some pictures when I get it figured out! I helped organize our neighborhood's annual 4th of July party. The weather was perfect! Todd had to work a late shift, so Ty got to go play at Aunt Stacy's. Lexie stayed at the BBQ and joined in the bicycle parade. The fireworks were fun and so much louder than I remember them being! (Am I getting old??)

Just because...

Just because I had nothing else to do today...
Just because I have an incessant amount of free time...
Just because my kids happen to be occupied...
Just because my sister did it...
Just because my BFF did it...
Just because I thought of a funny blog name that made my husband laugh till he peed....
that is why I am posting a blog. Because you need to know more about me!!!
Hope you enjoy it! Please leave me comments, I don't know what I am doing!
Hope you laugh, and love it!