chilli cook-off

Calico Creek Homeowners Association Harvest Fest Chilli Cookoff 2008

Todd and Sanders. I don't know what they are doing. I was serving chilli and turned around to see this. I think they were making fun of me. Whatever.

These are the "girls", l-r, Tiffany, myself, Krista and Amy

We each made chilli and let the homeowners vote. Amy's was a SouthBeach Diet chilli, described as 'vegetable-ey'. Kristas was chunky and fantastic with ground beef, mushrooms, and just enough spice. Mine was a white chilli with chicken, white beans in a white sauce with cumin and cayenne. Tiffanys was a canned chilli in a crock pot!! Cheater!! Secret ingredient: can opener.

Drum role, please.....

and the winner is..........

ME!!!

I won with 13 votes, Krista came in second with 11, Tiffany came in third with 9 (cheater), and Amy in last with 8.

(P.S. Not everyone voted. Some had reservations about voting for one red-head and against another. I get it. I would be scared, too.)

We had a good turn out. Very little drama. Ok, so a 3 year old girl got her first haircut with a pair of Tiffanys kitchen shears because she got it tangled up in the velcro vest that accompanied the inflateable velcro wall. Yikes!

I love these events. My kids run through the street with all their friends, my husband keeps an eye on the shenanigans, and I get to hang out with my friends.

Just have to say, I love my neighbors.

my girl

Lexie asked what I was going to be for Halloween and too tired to think of something feasable, I said the first thing that came to mind. "a hooker" (I know, funny that my mind wanders there!)
"EEEWWWW"
"do you even know what a hooker is???" says Todd
"something about a bar and an inappropriate lady" says Lex
LMAO!!! She is undeniably older than her 8 years1

Remember..

The Month of October is Infant and Child Death Remembrance Month.

October 15th is the recognized day of remembrance.

I would encourage you to do something. Maybe light a candle, write a note to a friend or family member who has been touched by an infant or child death, or visit the cemetery with flowers or balloons.
When I was maybe 5 or 6, my sister and I went to my grandparents house for Christmas. I remember sitting by the tree, looking at the gifts. I heard from the other room hushed whispers, and it being so close to Christmas, I couldn't resist the opportunity to maybe find out what surprises were in store. As I crept closer I could tell this was not a jubilant conversation that my grandmother and the other women were having, but instead a somber explanation. As I wasn't very old, I didn't fully understand the content, but I will never forget the tone. Being older, and having consulted my older cousins and Aunt, I now realize that the conversation held in my grandmothers kitchen was about an uncle that I had never known. Sherman. The following is as I understand it, and may not be totally accurate, as this was not a topic openly shared.
Sherman was my Grandparents oldest child. At the time, he was the only child. My grandparents, Merlin and Louise, were flood irrigating their property and Sherman was playing in the pooled water. I imagine him to be an inquisitive 2 year old, playing and splashing around. What happened next breaks my heart. Sherman must have been playing near the power pole and reached for the grounding wire. In an instant that must have lasted forever in his mothers heart, he was electrocuted.
I have never seen a picture of Sherman. I never had a chance to talk to my grandmother about him. He was forever in the most tender part of her heart. The part that broke every time she heard the whisper of his name. I had never seen my grandmother cry until that Christmas. and that was the only time. I was dying to know more, but I just couldn't bear to cause her tears. Now I know that feeling. This time it is my own. As hard as it is, I strive to keep Roman's memory alive. I, too, break at the whisper of Roman's name, but I cannot bear the thought of ignoring his memory.
There are so many people that hold a special little someone in that most tender part of their hearts. It is not openly talked about for many reasons. In some way we all know a mother who has left the hospital empty handed, or a father who watched his child suffer, a sister who only has the memory of a sibling or a brother who no longer has a buddy to play ball with. It is one of the greatest emotional setbacks to lose a child, regardless of age.
I would invite you to do a little something to remember Sherman, Roman, Vincent, Heather, Catherine and all the other little angels that left us too soon.

Remember October 15, 2008

no regrets

I was reading Camilles blog. She is, by the way, amazing. She posted some hilarious stories. I laughed. Some people were intensely critical. It made me think. "If someone would go out their way to voice their disdain over something like THAT, what would people say about me?" (No, I am not sharing:)) It also, for a second, made me think, "I wonder if she regrets doing that?" (by the way, you can read her blog for the whole story, link to the right).
And of course, that made me think about regrets in general. I will say right now that I have none. Not even one. I wouldn't necessarily share all of my skeletons, but I will not deny them. I came to a point in my early twenties. I had been married for a SHORT period of time and found myself filling out divorce papers. The thought kept running through my head that I never should have gotten married to begin with. Potential regret. It took me a loooong time to realize the importance of that failure. It was not a failure of marriage. It was a failure to listen to my heart.
Some of my 'learning experiences' have resulted in phenomenal insight. (Listening to my heart has served me well)
Others have made me realize what is obvious to the common person.
(those, by the way are the MOST embarrassing!)
Like how when a drive through says 'tight corner, no big trucks' it really means 'NOT YOU SHAWNA!!!' This past summer Jessie and I went through the Sonic drive through (on Fairview, west of Eagle road, in case you were wondering) and got stuck. By stuck I mean a Ford F-250 super duty quad cab, long bed wedged into the curbing with contact on the front passenger tire and the driver side rear tire. It wasn't apparent until after we placed our order, that I had stopped squarely in the 'dead zone'. Now with zero momentum, almost impossible to move. It must have taken a good 3 minutes, lots laughter, strong bladders, and some luck, but I did it. WE thought it was hilarious, and as we got up to the window, we realized that the whole staff had been watching our ordeal! The cashier tried to compose herself, as did we, to complete our transaction. So, nonchalantly, I asked if people get stuck in the drive through ofter. No longer able to contain themselves, the entire restaurant goes up in hysterical laughter.She said 'never'. More laughter. I have NEVER laughed so hard. The best part was telling Todd. Now, occasionally he will say, 'sounds like the alignment is off!' (Yeah, like you can HEAR that!!)
No regrets. Just not driving the truck through a drive through again, that's all!
I am happy where I am. I am here because of the mistakes I have made, and if I had it all to do again, knowing those mistakes would put me RIGHT HERE, I would do it without a doubt. Of course there are those 'crap, I should have put my lipstick out of the reach of a 2 year old!' No regrets. It helped me to discover Mr. Clean Magic Eraser! and where would I be without that!
I have learned to not buy a purse that cannot hold puke. Not to mop a tile floor in heels. NOT to say "pubic hair" within earshot of a preschooler right before class. Not to teach a dog to poop on a newspaper when you cannot figure out a way to teach him the difference between one that's been read and one that hasn't. Not to lie about my age. Not say nasty things when I am mad. Not to try to stand on top of a vinyl fence. the list could go on forever. I am laughing right now trying to figure out how much to divulge. Giggle. Still no regrets. lots of laughs. no regrets.

freakin' tag

thanks Kari!

9 TV shows I watch
1. the news
2. ......
3. ......
4. ......
5. ......
6. ......
7. ......
8. ......
9. ......

9 of my favorite Restaurants
1. Seriously, anywhere they don't allow highchairs
2.Where ever the cooking is done for you
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.

9 things that happened yesterday
1. woke up WAY too early
2. made a pot of coffee
3. made ANOTHER pot of coffee, and waffles
4. ate my waffles in bed:)
5. took a shower
6. made a quilt
7. talked on the phone
8. Stacy came over
9. Christy came over

9 things I am looking forward to
1. christmas
2. thanksgiving at the cabin
3. a smaller butt
4. fat free chocolate cake (hence the smaller butt)
5. self cleaning windows
6.
7.
8.
9.

9 things on my wishlist
1. the Moyer/Sanders compound
2. a smaller butt
3. to be mortgage free
4. cheaper diesel (much cheaper)
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.

9 People that I tag
1. Stacy
2. Camille
3. Marissa
4. Jessie
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.

(side note)

OK, so, I have had a few people ask why Ty wasn't in any of the pictures of Roman. Simple. Roman died shortly (very) after I found out I was pregnant with Ty. In fact we hadn't even told some family members about the pregnancy until the funeral. It was a difficult pregnancy to say the least. Ty was born 6 weeks early and spent those 6 weeks in the NICU. It was horrifying. I was told that there was a 30% chance he would make it. He did. And we did. Although we are still paying for him.:) I don't recall ever feeling like I was pregnant and the whole labor and delivery seem like a dream. I kind of think it was a blessing that he spent that time in the hospital, because I don't think I was mentally prepared for him. It was almost as if he just appeared out of nowhere and the nurse said, "here is your baby!" shock. and thats the way it has been ever since. He is very intelligent. He could get on top of the fridge by his 1st birthday. He took all of 2 minutes to learn to ride his bike. He figured out how to defeat those doorknob covers on the first day. He does have some speech delay, but right now, listening to my kids fight, it doesn't seem like a bad thing!!!

The hardest part is not having a complete family picture. but I rest assured with one that Lexie made, mind you she was only 4 and in preschool. this hangs in our living room and I see it every day. Love how we ALL have angel wings.

waiting for the dryer

Here I am. Sitting on the couch, waiting for the dryer. Something I will unfortunately do several times today. I was checking my e-mail, wandered over to facebook and ended up here. I am ready for a new post. The last one was making me perpetually sad. I truly have alot to be thankful for and if THAT is the worst thing to happen to me, I will be thrilled. (I have a feeling it wont be) I have a fantastic husband (whom I just cursed out because he left a pile of laundry behind the closet door), a nice home, super-fantastic kids, a decent garden, a nice car (and truck), the opportunity to stay home with my kids (or clean up after them, however you want to look at it!). That list could go on forever. And as long of a list as it is, there will always be something missing. It is a fact, undeniable, unchanged forever. It is my acceptance of it that makes all the difference. I will still be sad and angry beyond words. March will hit me 1,000 times harder than September. Lexie will forever get shafted on her birthday. So will my brother. Yet I will always come out of it feeling REALLY thankful. I am grateful to everyone, even if their acts, words or comments went unacknowledged. Grateful.
Life continues. That is such a good thing.and a difficult thing all at the same time. Time does NOT heal all. It creates a bitterness. It takes away memories. It also seems to file down the raw edges of some pretty strong emotions. It allows and requires a person to expand their scope, their perspective.
I am trying. Thank you for enduring.
Time's up. There is the dryer, announcing another load is done.

Heartbroken

No comments, please. This is for me. I had to scan all of our "real pictures", so I could store ALL of our pictures in the same place. These are a few of my favorites. They make me cry. I haven't seen them in a while for that reason. With his birthday coming up I thought it appropriate to share them with you.

Roman James Moyer

September 30, 2002-March 4, 2004

Taken in February, 2004


2/04

Breakfast with Daddy.

Ok, I know, "Nice paper plate!" If you only knew how many dishes were broken before we came to this solution.

Valentines Day, 2004

I am pretty sure this was a 'jammy day'. By looking at the pictures I think either we had alot of 'jammy days' or I only took pictures ON 'jammy day'!

Pumpkin patch, 2003

Lexie is holding him down:) He HATED sitting on the hay. Makes me laugh. and cry.

This is actually from a series of like 40 pictures (from a 35mm camera! probably cost a million dollars in film and developing. Thank you digital camera!)

They were so cooperative. I love every single picture.

Rolly Poly baby. He was SOOO fat. I loved it. This reminds me of one time he was wearing a fleece outfit with a sports theme. Across the front it said "CHAMP". He was sitting on the floor, playing and I looked at him and realized the way he was sitting had caused the front of his outfit to fold over on the sides, so instead it said "HAM". I laughed so hard at my little chubby buddy wearing a shirt that said "HAM"!

cankles? I think so!

beautiful blue eyes...............

Christmas at my Moms. Looking at this makes me realize how much time has passed. (Nice lipstick!)

Daddy and "fat baby". Lexie's friend Becca got a dolly for christmas one year. It was this chubby little baby she called 'fat baby'. She was over playing when she noticed the uncanny resemblance to Roman, and started calling him 'fat baby', too.

September 30, 2002

7:47 a.m.

6lbs, 12 oz.

Roman's first visitor, his sister, Lexie.

2 hours of labor (jealous, much??!)

6 pushes

He decended the birth canal facing the side (not down) and bruised his whole face on my pelvis. We joked that he looked like a plum on a popsicle stick. Poor baby.

The Proposal.....

Ty: "Mom, can I wear your ring?"

Me: "What for?"

Ty: "I will show you. Give it to me!"

Ty runs, with ring in hand, into the kitchen.

"Shut your eyes" I hear from across the room. I do.

giggles

"OPEN!!!"

Happy monday.

partially sarcastic. Here goes another week. I have about 12 phone calls to make. It is not even 10:00. Garbage is out. (Thanks, Max for barking at the garbage truck and reminding me that it is trash day!) Laundry is started, dishes are....waiting to be done.:) I don't do dishes at night. I made dinner, served dinner, cleaned up spills, taught the kids to stack their dishes, I just cannot teach anyone around here the rocket science of the "dishwasher". Damn elusive metal box. Fills with soapy water, and magically swishes my dishes my dishes clean. If only a man could opperate it. Hey, he is a rocket scientist, not a dish scientist!
My list of should's overwhelms my time and my brain.
I need to prepare for a meeting tonight. I am the president of our homeowners assoc, and we are having a planning meeting for our annual Fall Harvest Festival. Chilli cookoff this year. I think. Hay rides? Jump house, always. Any suggestions?? We have 2 events a year. 4th of July and Harvest. the 4th of July was a blast, big neighborhood BBQ, Kids liberty day bike parade, jump houses and about $500 worth of fireworks. Big success. Just hoping this comes together as well.
I need to clean out my "crap" aka "craft" closet. Mount our exterior shutters. (I have had them for over a year. just sitting there in their boxes. they want out.) Finish a quilt. Make cinnamon rolls. (that just sounds good:)) Scrub toilets, bathe the dog (remnants of the "booger incident"), deflate the air mattress and put all things sleepover away. I think I will just pour myself another cup of coffee and pretend I have important TV time.
For the first time this week, I have the energy to start my to do list. I have no excuses. Lexie is at school, Todd is home today, and he is taking Ty. I don't know where. he said he would take him, and I don't ask questions. Cabella's. that's my guess.
I am now home, alone. I should take advantage of it. Everyone I know is working. or busy. that's dissappointing. It would be easier to skip my "need to do" crap, if I had a good excuse. I don't.
If you are still reading this, you must be in the same place I am. I just re-read my ramblings and it made me WANT to scrub toilets. pathetic.
Wow. Maybe Iwill check my e-mail. and make some phone calls. I will re-blog is something fantastic happens.

YUCK!

I heard a sneeze from the other room. juicy sneeze. It was Ty.
I went in to check on him.
"Hey, HEY!! Do NOT wipe your nose on the dog!!!!!"
Seriously.
Welcome to my world.
On another note. I got the mail today and there was a political flyer. Ty says "John McCain!!!, Mom, look, Sarah Paywinn (Palin)!!! Are they coming for dinner??"
"Not with boogers on the dog", I said.
Can you tell we watch alot of CNN. By "we", I mean Todd.
p.s. Ty is 4 and can name the candidates and their Vice's, along with party affiliations, and a few others.
He seems so intelligent.........at times!

still......

I woke up this morning feeling very much the same as yesterday. crappy. I laid in bed just wanting to somehow sink into the mattress, which would be very easy considering i felt like i was filled with lead pellets. i remember this feeling well. i am not fond of it, knowing that i have a million responsibilities. i cannot slow down, let alone stop. i want to stop. my arms want to stop. my legs. you know, just lay down and give up for the day. maybe tomorrow, too. i swear, i have a list a mile long. all of them important. yet, i am willing to stop. i am not that type of person. typically. this tunnel vision that i have acquired makes me think i am that type of person. I forgot how horrible inexplicable this is. twice a year i become this crazy shell of myself. as much as i hate it, i cannot think that it is without purpose. that's another thing i hate, a purpose that i am not aware of. how many times have i heard that. "purpose to everything". I guess if you look at a situation as cause and effect, you can connect the two. what if you look at it and cannot connect the two. that is where i am. still confused, still sad, still frustrated, still in shock, still angry, still speechless. still wanting.

all of the bitter, none of the sweet

Today, I went to Wal-Mart. Yay. got all my crap. put it in my crappy cart with one stupid wobbly wheel. stood in the checkout line. got my receipt. looked at the date. big bag of bricks right in the face. today is September 16, 2008. not that today is important, but fairly close. September 30, 2004, Romans birthday. He would be 6. i should turn that crappy cart around and be headed for the party aisle. i should be looking at cakes. there should be some Power Ranger something in my cart. something that says I have a 6 year old boy. i don't. i feel lost and empty and angry and cheated out of mundane tasks. i want cake, but something about that is celebration for something that should be there, but isn't. do you celebrate "almost", do you celebrate "potentially", do you celebrate "supposed to". NO. people look at you weird. i would look at me weird. my mirror self would not agree. something unnerving about being blindsided by an event that, under different circumstances, would be obvious. i wouldn't likely have waited until 2 weeks prior to start thinking about a birthday party. I feel like I have let him down. I forgot. that is the worst thing. forgetting.
i feel horrible.

something that resonates

"That which is to give light must endure burning"
Viktor Fankl

;)

Just thought I would share a family pic. It is from last weekend when we went to Horse thief res. to go fishing. Don't tell Ty. He went with us, but insists that we didn't go fishing, because we didn't catch any fish. Oh well, at least we (by "we", I mean "I") didn't have to clean any fish!! Nothing like a 2 hour drive home knowing that the windows are rolled down because of what's on your pant leg. :) It was a beautiful day. Indescribable. I won't even try.

We took this picture on the side of the road, somewhere between here and there. Max (dog) had to pee. Something about the river and the smell of pine that makes my kids go nuts. Looking for bugs, yelling into the mountain, picking up rocks, digging in dirt, throwing rocks into the water......all so theraputic to a child. Fun afternoon. These are the kinds of things I want my kids to remember. I want to be 85, and have Lexie's daughter ask me about the time we went fishing........

Preschool, day one

Yesterday was the first day of preschool. Todd dropped off and picked Ty up on his first day. I met up with my boys for lunch after. I asked Ty, "how was your first day?" enthusiasic response: "I did not get in trouble" followed by darting eyes. Do men not pick up on this??? I asked "what did you do?", "nothing!" he said. Todd was giving me a crazy look and said "didn't you hear him, he said he did NOT get in trouble!". Seriously. After some prodding I was still making no progress and decided to make some phone calls that night. Shortly after we got home I got a phone call from one of the other moms. "Did you hear about preschool?"she asked. Crap.
Apperently Ty was coloring on the walls. (side note, it is a cooperative preschool, and was held at Becky's house.) I feel horrible, here she has 6 four year olds and my little dork is writing on the wall in her dining room! Becky is not the most forward person. She didn't want to have to call me and tell me. She did anyway. She said she didn't want him to get into trouble. Too late!! Anyway, I guess when he got caught, she told him he was not in trouble, and that they were going to go over the rules again. Hence, the response, "I did not get in trouble." He totally thought he got off scott free!!! Some days you are so proud of your kids. Some days. Well, I guess we try again on Thursday.

Just when things were going good...

This isn't so much about me. It is about Sherron. She is my aunt, and a person whom I respect very much. Lately I have been spending a lot of time with Sherron. It is her cabin that I went to last week. We picked huckleberries, ate slightly burnt cheese popcorn, watched the sun set on the lake, went in search of cabins that were for sale (so Todd and I could have our own) and talked. I took Max, my dog. He plays with her dogs, Josie and Giles. They are all Cairn Terriers (Toto on Wizard of Oz) and we got them from the same breeder. We joke that they are all related. Josie is 9 and Giles was the runt from her first and only litter. Giles is 8. We had a blast and when I left, as always, made plans to return more often. On Sunday, Sherron called me with the bad news that Giles had died of a heart attack quite suddenly. Now, Giles was a good dog. Tremendously smart. I am sad that he is gone. She is crushed. It is this that touches me. I have never seen Sherron cry. Never. Plenty of acceptable opportunity, but no. Not until now.
They are in the process of renting their house in Meridian and living at the cabin in the mountains. Did I mention that her cabin is nicer than my house? Any way today we were at the house cleaning and painting and getting 35 years worth of accumulation organized and I realized (again) how a loss is a loss, no matter how big or small. She said something interesting to me. "I shouldn't have let myself get so attached to a dog." It struck a nerve with me and I had to sternly correct her. It is those attachments that make it all worth while. It is that attachment that I have with her. As painfull as it is to loose something and what a horrible feeling it brings, it is, as they say "better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all". I would never wish that lesson on anyone. What a crappy thing. To think of something that you have loved the most and almost instantly realize that same thing has caused you so much pain. A lesson in contradictions, that's for sure. Like I said, Just when things were going good.......you realize you stepped in crap. It will ruin your day, and probably your shoes.

Yada, yada, yada.....

So that is how I am describing the last month that I have been absent from my blog. I could go back and recapture all the funny, interesting, aggrivating, blissfull things that have but honestly, who has the time? Just know, school for Lexie got off to a great start despite learning that her elementary school was overcrowded and her class would be held a the school next to hers, with the "big kids". To add to the trauma, she has a man teacher (her words, not mine). Devastating. Whatever. We compensated the bad news by getting highlights, and lipgloss. It is such a girl thing. It worked. I escaped for 30 hours and went up to the cabin. Alone. Came home with purple stained hands ( huckelberries) and a renewed energy, which is just what I needed to clean my house after being gone for 30 hours!!
I am now in baking mode. Homemade lasagne (noodles included), bread, banana bread, sticky buns, cinnamon rolls, pies, cheesecakes, the list goes on and on. Back to school throws me into some sick Martha Stewart cycle that is horrible for my hips!!! Ty starts preschool after labor day. I am not sad. It is a relief to be at a point in your life that you appreciate that your hard work has paid off, even to a very very small degree. Like a few hours twice a week. I think I will try peeing with the door shut. Or making brownies and not sharing all the gooey batter left in the bowl. Maybe I will just sit out on the deck and not have to wonder what that clicking noise is. (Long story, just know it was not a pleasant revelation!!)
Wow, now that I am thinking about it, alot has happend. I will include tidbits where I can. Some of it is just too good to miss. I hesitate posting a huge long post this time because, although I would love to tell you all, I am seeing so many opportunities that need me right now. The garden is beckoning, the dogs playfulness is undeniable, the kids are giggley, and the weather is nice. Who can resist???

epiphanies

there are only a few precious weeks left of summer.
my baby Ty will be in preschool! He will be in good hands:)
my amazing Lexie-Lou will be in 3d grade.
i remember being in 3d grade.
i remember having a crush on a boy.
my baby will have a crush on a boy!!!
i am at an impass in my life.
i hope it is not a midlife crisis. I would hate to die at 60.:0
i am itching for a change and continuity at the same time.
anyone else have this problem?
i realized that i am so excited for the fair.
i am secretly wanting to wear a sweater.
i miss homemade bread and beef stew.
laundry still sucks as much as it did 10 years ago.
i married the best man in the world.
i am spoiled.
i am ok with that.
i spoil him in return.
my garden sucks.
"A" for effort, right?
i already know what my kids will be for halloween.
i still haven't finished Holly's baby quilt.
she had her baby already.
i feel a little better now!

My new "thing"

I am not bored by any means. I bake, quilt, paint, craft etc... but for some reason I felt I drawn to a pattern that was given to me. Here it is. My new "thing". Making bags. This is my favorite so far. The brown fabric is vine-ey looking but is actually little swirly sqirrels. It looks nothing like the pattern. What can I say, I have always had to add my own touch. (That means I don't like to follow directions!) I like it. It was a gift for Sherron. She loves nature-ish stuff. I think I will play with it a bit and see how it does at the McCall craft show.

Todd is going to LOVE having MORE bags in the closet! He has already been reduced to less than a third of a 117 sq ft. closet!!

What?!? A girl needs her bags! (and shoes!)

Let me know what you think! Any suggestions?