Saturday, December 5, 2009

Guilt

Guilt has made me update my blog. There I said it. Thanks, Kari, and a random meeting at Confucious Chinese Restaurant to make me feel bad for not updating my blog. I think it just gets to a certain point that so much has happened that a starting point is not clear. I am sure you are all tired of being reminded that Ty had his tonsils out. But alot has happened since then. ALOT. I think that if I were to get into details your head would spin. Mine sure is just thinking about it. In a nutshell, we are all healthy and happy (As of this VERY moment we are all healthy, swine flu did make an extended visit at our house, but it is gone now!). Ty started kindergarten. I am excited for the all-day every-day promise that first grade brings, but am sad that my baby is in school. Crap, who am I kidding. I love it!! He loves it! Lexie is just truckin along in 4th grade. Is lost in long division (much like myself, but at least at the age of 31, I can just use a calculator!) Todd is working away with the county, despite some rediculous changes made my some not so enlightened management. Fortunately he still gets paid. I got a promotion at work, and now am involved in the training of new hires. It is great. I love it. Sometimes it surprises me how not-so-smart people can survive (apparently they also take jobs in management at the county:))
I am sitting at my sisters house updating my blog and catching up. I forgot how much I miss spending time with her. It helps that my kids have started bothering her kids and are not so interested in bothering me.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Goodbye tonsils...

Well, tonsils. this is it. no more golf-balls obstructing my throat. no more inflamed eustacian tubes. You and your co-horts, my adenoids, are outta here. no more strep throat. no more sleep apnea, tossing and turning. no more soggy pillows.



My dr. said that without you, my speech would improve (with the help of the tubes she also put in). i will be able to hear clearly. iwill be happier, less frustrated. i am not going to miss you, tonsils. i am not going to miss the monthly trips to the pediatrician for constant strep throat. i am not going to miss all the medications.

Heres to you, tonsils. You gave it your best. But I, Tyrus, am unstoppable.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

...so as I was saying....

...ha! I am still here! I got lazy. I read everyones blogs, just never updated mine. I know, I am so selfish. I hesitate to update today because I really wanted to add pictures and I cannot find the thingy that goes from the laptop to the camera and I am too lazy to go upstairs and do it.
Everything is going well. I mean that my little world is spinning so fast that all things are blending together. It makes a pretty, smeary, rainbow-y color. I kinda like it.
Lexie has become miss sporty spice-ette. Soccer on Tues and Thurs, games on Saturdays, tennis lessons on M-T-W. Now she wants to look into basketball. I think I am going to tell her she is too short. This "kids sports" thing is crazy. AND Todd wants Ty to start football in the fall!! I am going to need a nanny!
Ty loves preschool, has improved his speech tremendously. He goes to the Ear Nose and Throat Dr. on Wednesday. I am sure whatever they say, it is going to cost me an arm and a leg. (Ha! ear nose throat arm and legs!) We JUST paid the balance of what he cost when he was born. 4 1/2 years ago. He was a spendy little bugger. Isn't that the way it works? Pay off a medical bill and another one instantly appears. I should try to carry a little balance, just in case!?!?!
Todd is working. and playing "mommy" when I am at work. He is awesome. He did laundry, cleaned the kids rooms, made them eat vegetables for dinner, the whole nine yards! I was soooooo impressed. He takes Lex to practice and does the whole soccer mom thing. I am amused and impressed at the same time.
Oh! My birthday was last week. 31. Officially "in my 30's". So if I were to do something crazy, the 5 0'clock news would be ".......and the suspect, a woman in her 30's....". ick. I will try to behave. Todd let me choose one of my gifts. jewelry. So I went into my favorite jewelry store, Zales, and had a ring made. Aquamarine. My birthstone. I love it.
My other gift. Todd is doing my closet. I get to design it and he is building all shelves and stuff. I am soo excited. This was his idea. I think there is an ulterior motive. Table saw, maybe? Router? Oh, well. Jewelry and a place to put my shoes. What more could a girl want??

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

filter

I woke up this morning to the sunlight filtering through the white sheet that was pulled over my head. Even without opening my eyes, it was the brightest and warmest vision. I just lay there, perfectly comfortable, nestled into one of the most heavenly of creations, a memory foam mattress. My head was resting on my down pillow, and I could feel the gentle weight of my down comforter all around me. As I opened my eyes it was an ethereal vision of illuminated whiteness, a freshly pressed (yes, I iron my sheets) 1,000 thread count cocoon of comfort. I didn't want to move. I didn't need to move. So I just lay there. For a long time.
It was a very peaceful thing. As I lay there, I began my usual stream of random thoughts. I thought of something and it reminded me of something else, which reminded me of someone, and that reminded me of a letter that someone had sent to me last week. This letter was from an old friend that I had lost touch with. Lisa has a son named Connor. Connor was just a little younger than Roman. In her letter she was giving me updates on their family, and the accomplishments of little Conner. I lost it. There in my little cocoon, I lost it. My eyes overflowed. Crack. I could almost hear it. My heart. The spackle that once covered the now obvious break crumbled and fell away. Revealed now was a break that has been there for almost 5 years, just as big and wide and deep and devastating as the first day. Time has slowly filled in that crack, little by little, giving me the false impression of healing. And now today, I lay in on a soaked pillow in my little illuminated haven. Now, I don't want to move, I don't need to move, and I don't even think I can move. All of these familliar emotions have found me once again. Have brought me to my knees. Have broken me. I feel broken. And frustrated. This is just a confirmation that my heart will never heal, just be patched by the spackle of time. Vulnerable to the next unsuspecting thought.
Now that the crack has been re-revealed, I notice it more. I focus on it. I see it, I feel it. It is hard to get out of my mind. Hard to overlook. Impossible to ignore. It distracts me. 'What if....', 'Remember when....', 'How would it be......'.
I hate this part. I am sad. I don't feel well. I don't care. I want to stay in bed forever, and watch the sunlit glow through the sheets fade into dark. To toss around in the safety and comfort of my little fort. And experience tomorrow through that same filter.
It is a crazy thing. Every single year, for the past 5 years, I FEEL it. Towards the end of February to the middle of March, I feel it. It is like my soul kicks my bodys ass. I am a wreck. Heartbroken, again. I know it's coming. I know it's gonna hurt. It always surprises me how much it hurts. How the pain doesn't dull. It is just as sharp as it has ever been. With each additional year, it stings a little more. The realization that it has been even longer. and that is all it will ever be, longer. and longer. and longer.
For a while I wished I could deal with this better, get over it. I have come to the conclusion that I will NEVER get over it. As I lay there this morning, I thought that if losing my son did not affect me as much as it does, then having him must not have meant as much as it did.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Idaho Botanical Gardens

Todd's parents invited us to the Idaho Botanical Gardens for their Chrismas lights show. It was breathtaking and the kids loved it. Lexie kept whispering "Magical, just magical!"
The picture is without flash, the bottom is with.


The kids Celebrating with Sacajawea at the end of the up-hill hike


Saturday, January 10, 2009

For my dear Husband..........

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 is our 9th wedding anniversary. 9 years of waking up next to the most fantastic man. (OK more than 9 years, but for the sake of maintaining a G rating we will say 9!) 9 years of feeling like the luckiest girl on the planet. 9 years of being led to believe that I was the boss (thanks honey!).

A lot has happened in 9 years. A lot of learning who he is and who I am. A lot of compromising, a lot of redemption a lot of "I am sorry"'s, and a lot of "I told you so"'s. A lot of soul tearing, eye-burning tears and a lot of heart warming cheek splitting smiles. Buying homes, selling homes, building homes, moving to a 3d floor apartment on the hottest weekend on record in 10 years. Having babies, watching them go, watching them grow.
Trying and failing, trying and succeeding.
He is there for me, with me, sometimes holding me up, sometimes keeping me grounded, always there.

1. Where did you meet your husband:
Todd had been working security while he was awaiting his acceptance into the POST academy. One of his assignments was a movie complex. Within the movie complex, some friends of mine were opening a shop. I had been spending a lot of time helping them set up and I kept noticing a HOT security guard. I guess he noticed me, too! We kinda kept coincidentally being at the place at the same time. My heart still does acrobats when I think about the anticipation! I also worked at a restaurant near by and although I had never seen him there before, he seemed to become a regular. MY regular :).

2. How long did you date before you got married?
This is debatable. I am horrible with dates. I know that one of our first dates was to the Western Idaho Fair. That is in August (1998). Todd went through the academy and graduated in December. He was transferred to a different city (about 2 1/2 hours away) and invited me to move with him. We bought a house and moved in the end of December (98). Yada yada yada........We got married January 13th 2000. So a year and a half. Give or take. Playing house for a year. Very committed, inseparable, and also knocked up.

3. How long have you been married?
8 years, 11 months, 26 days and 13 hours...................................

4.What does he do that surprises you?
Todd and I have very different senses of humor. It catches me off guard when he gets goofy. I LOVE it when he gets goofy. It is like taking a bite of a glazed donut (no pun intended) and finding out it has a decadent chocolate filling. It doesn't happen often, but when it does........mmmmmmmm, it is fantastic!!!!

5. What is your favorite feature of his?
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, the way his eyes sparkle. I know, "sparkly eyes", you say? I gotta tell you, it is the most reassuring, comforting thing that I know of. The color of a good, creamy Belgian chocolate, with a hint of mischief.

6.What is his best quality?
Todd is the most genuine person I know. He is fantastically honest, undeniably faithful, forever true to himself, morally indestructible and he has impeccable taste in women!!

7. Does he have a nickname for you?
...........uh...........he always says something under his breath when he is mad at me, I don't think I want to know................

8.What is his favorite food?
Seriously, anything that I make. This man is a saint. I burnt chicken one time (in the early years) and he ate it. When I said I was never going to use that recipe again, he asked "why not?"

9.What is his favorite sport?
Football. He cannot wait until Ty is old enough. I have a feeling that, until then, Soccer will be his favorite when Lexie starts playing in the spring.

10. When and where did you first kiss?
Date number 8 (yes, 8). After dinner, I was dropping him off at the POST academy. I had been elusive and had avoided his advances up to this point. I don't know why. Maybe so I didn't look like a floozy. He finally just asked, "Um, do you think it would be OK if I kissed you?" Who could argue with that!!! From then on, Permission Grated, officer!!!

11. What is your favorite thing to do as a couple?
(FYI, If I tag you and you think it is a good idea to ask your husband this question, don't.)
We LOVE to go to dinner. Just the two of us. Breath. Talk. It doesn't happen very often. My personal fav is when I am making dinner and he starts doing dishes or just making himself busy in the kitchen while we talk. We work extremely well together. Building a deck, setting up the garden, even just doing chores.

12.Do you have any children?
Alexis Breanne, 8; Roman James, would be 6, and Tyrus James 4.

13.Does he have any hidden talents?
underwater basket weaving

14.How old is he?
38

15. who said "I love you first"?
Todd did.

16.What is his favorite music?
1980's rock ballads. no kidding. big hair bands. Metallica, AC/DC......

17. What do you admire most about him?
His ability to put up with me and all my 'antics'!!

18. What is his favorite color?
Black or dark blue

19. Will he read this?
Heck yeah! I am going to show him when he comes home for lunch!!

Happy anniversary, hottie!!! I love you bunches and bunches!!

20. I tag: Stacy, Kari and Kenna

Saturday, January 3, 2009

week one, check

I am feeling a bit like a rock star! First week of work.....check!
So here is the rundown. I am in a 6 week training program with 6 other people. It TOTALLY feels like "the office". Lets see, in order to maintain some level of anonymity, I will assign them nicknames (as I often do!! If you don't know the nickname I have assigned you, it is probably a good thing!!!)

There is:
(* denotes that they are in my class)

*honey-she sits next to me. We are ALWAYS partners. overachievers. we clap at the end of presentations. make innapproriate comments. pass notes. PS her nickname changes to bitch when she doesn't have coffee!! She tried to eliminate coffee from her life. I told her I would personally kill her. honey, myself and the St. bernard are ALWAYS the first ones done. we all sit on the same side of the room and are technically "team B". we pass notes. we are the smarties. we are done first, and we have ALOT of fun.

*St.Bernard-funny funny funny. could be my siamese twin, without the whole messy seperation thing. Large guy. (shaped like a peach) follows me around like a puppy dog. a large puppy dog. St. bernard-like. get it??

*Nerves-Nice guy. always has a hesitance to his voice. a little skittish. he is friends with "ken" who sits next to Jessi (her real name) who is my BFF that suggested that I apply. I guess she started this whole thing! (Gotta love 'work' scenarios, huh??)

Ken-like the hot doll. that maybe gets around. alot. funny, but I always use hand sanitizer after his obligatory 'fist bump'. he is a riot!

*Phyllis- our senior citizen of the class. coughs ALOT. says its allergies. pretty sure it has something to do with the Virginia Slim odor!! Phyllis is on our side of the room, but gets passed between team A and B, because there is an odd number in our class.

*the florist- she is dry and pessemistic. reads alot into hypothetical situations. overachiever, but a downer. lots of sweaters and 'comfort' shoes.

*yowza!!- the hot girl in class (ok, OTHER hot girl!) she is like 6feet tall looks like someone just took her out of the packaging and didn't even mess up her hair!! she is quiet and not at all snotty. You gotta love her, but you NEVER want to stand by her, because no matter how good you look, she looks better. lots better. Nerves, the florist and yowza all sit on the other side of the room and are "team A". we usually have to "quiet down so team A can finish their tests.

*the officer- our instructor. he is funny, yet strict. hard to read. HAS a sense of humor, doesn't always use it. I got in trouble the first day. language violation. surprising huh. for the record, Jessi set me up!!

shorty- another instructor (not mine) funny. i love her. i love her. i love her. same sense of humor. did i mention that i love her??

So far, those are the basics. Needless to say, I am having a blast. The actual job is pretty fun, too!
It is alot of federal regulation adherence, learning a new computer system, trying to understand how it all fits together................... like I said, I am loving the challenge!!!

Week 2, here I come!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Hit the ground running.....

So, thank you first off, for checking back a gazillion times in the hopes of a new post only to be disappointed. Your persistence is truly inspirational! There is a reason for all of this "non-blogging". Simply put, I have been crazy busy.
First of all, Todd went to Vegas the first week of December for training. Much like his first Vegas trip (in Nov), the rest of us could barely make it through the week without our most valuable player! No kidney stones this time!! But we did have another bout of strep throat, the dog ran away (and came back) and a grocery store incident (i don't want to talk about it):).
During that week, I also applied (on a whim) for a job at Wells Fargo in their phone bank center. Applied, phone interview, personal interview, background check, BAM!!!! Employed!!! All in the course of 7 days! I am a bit impressed myself! For not actually being so serious about getting a job, I was a little stunned! So, like I said, "on a whim", I hadn't actually told Todd about my venture (he was in Vegas). So when he got home, I had to spill the beans. employed. Excited, nervous, what did I just do??, all of that. Mostly excited because it puts me one step closer to being 'employee of the month'!!(something you don't necessarily get recognized for as a SAHM)
Week 2 of December, I read the Twilight series. Yes all of them. In 4 days.
Don't remember much else about week 2 of December.(PS, saw the movie HATED the movie!!)
Now the rest of December, I crammed all the things that I have been putting off doing into 2 little weeks, so that I could start my job on the 29th. That is why I have been so busy. In preparation for employment.
Christmas was fantastic. The kids fav's:Ty got a video game (V-smile) and Lexie got a DIDJ (hand held educational video game) amongst other things.
My realization was that from now on, we are in the league of "big kid" things. Clothes, games, styles, trends etc.....
No more dollies and tonka trucks. I am sad. I miss the days that a baby doll (that didn't make noise or require batteries or Internet access) satisfied Lexie for hours! Or when a front loader's only source of fuel was a 2 year old boy!
On to the work part.....
Jessi (BFF) got a job at Wells Fargo about a month or so earlier. She loved it. She said "hey you should apply and see what happens. I bet you would be great at it" So I did. And I got it. And now I have a job.
*************************************************************************************
AS A DISCLAIMER*
I am not required by my husband or anyone else to get a job.
I am enjoying the challenge it presents.
We are NOT financially unstable
We are NOT contentious on this point
We are NOT having marital problems
*************************************************************************************
Thank you for your concern. (you know who you are!)But it is a simple situation about personal challenge.


Thank you everyone for all your support and friendship in the past year. I look forward to the next!!!

My resolution: to hit the ground running, go for broke, and have no regrets in the end!