YUCK!

I heard a sneeze from the other room. juicy sneeze. It was Ty.
I went in to check on him.
"Hey, HEY!! Do NOT wipe your nose on the dog!!!!!"
Seriously.
Welcome to my world.
On another note. I got the mail today and there was a political flyer. Ty says "John McCain!!!, Mom, look, Sarah Paywinn (Palin)!!! Are they coming for dinner??"
"Not with boogers on the dog", I said.
Can you tell we watch alot of CNN. By "we", I mean Todd.
p.s. Ty is 4 and can name the candidates and their Vice's, along with party affiliations, and a few others.
He seems so intelligent.........at times!

still......

I woke up this morning feeling very much the same as yesterday. crappy. I laid in bed just wanting to somehow sink into the mattress, which would be very easy considering i felt like i was filled with lead pellets. i remember this feeling well. i am not fond of it, knowing that i have a million responsibilities. i cannot slow down, let alone stop. i want to stop. my arms want to stop. my legs. you know, just lay down and give up for the day. maybe tomorrow, too. i swear, i have a list a mile long. all of them important. yet, i am willing to stop. i am not that type of person. typically. this tunnel vision that i have acquired makes me think i am that type of person. I forgot how horrible inexplicable this is. twice a year i become this crazy shell of myself. as much as i hate it, i cannot think that it is without purpose. that's another thing i hate, a purpose that i am not aware of. how many times have i heard that. "purpose to everything". I guess if you look at a situation as cause and effect, you can connect the two. what if you look at it and cannot connect the two. that is where i am. still confused, still sad, still frustrated, still in shock, still angry, still speechless. still wanting.

all of the bitter, none of the sweet

Today, I went to Wal-Mart. Yay. got all my crap. put it in my crappy cart with one stupid wobbly wheel. stood in the checkout line. got my receipt. looked at the date. big bag of bricks right in the face. today is September 16, 2008. not that today is important, but fairly close. September 30, 2004, Romans birthday. He would be 6. i should turn that crappy cart around and be headed for the party aisle. i should be looking at cakes. there should be some Power Ranger something in my cart. something that says I have a 6 year old boy. i don't. i feel lost and empty and angry and cheated out of mundane tasks. i want cake, but something about that is celebration for something that should be there, but isn't. do you celebrate "almost", do you celebrate "potentially", do you celebrate "supposed to". NO. people look at you weird. i would look at me weird. my mirror self would not agree. something unnerving about being blindsided by an event that, under different circumstances, would be obvious. i wouldn't likely have waited until 2 weeks prior to start thinking about a birthday party. I feel like I have let him down. I forgot. that is the worst thing. forgetting.
i feel horrible.

something that resonates

"That which is to give light must endure burning"
Viktor Fankl

;)

Just thought I would share a family pic. It is from last weekend when we went to Horse thief res. to go fishing. Don't tell Ty. He went with us, but insists that we didn't go fishing, because we didn't catch any fish. Oh well, at least we (by "we", I mean "I") didn't have to clean any fish!! Nothing like a 2 hour drive home knowing that the windows are rolled down because of what's on your pant leg. :) It was a beautiful day. Indescribable. I won't even try.

We took this picture on the side of the road, somewhere between here and there. Max (dog) had to pee. Something about the river and the smell of pine that makes my kids go nuts. Looking for bugs, yelling into the mountain, picking up rocks, digging in dirt, throwing rocks into the water......all so theraputic to a child. Fun afternoon. These are the kinds of things I want my kids to remember. I want to be 85, and have Lexie's daughter ask me about the time we went fishing........