Today, I went to Wal-Mart. Yay. got all my crap. put it in my crappy cart with one stupid wobbly wheel. stood in the checkout line. got my receipt. looked at the date. big bag of bricks right in the face. today is September 16, 2008. not that today is important, but fairly close. September 30, 2004, Romans birthday. He would be 6. i should turn that crappy cart around and be headed for the party aisle. i should be looking at cakes. there should be some Power Ranger something in my cart. something that says I have a 6 year old boy. i don't. i feel lost and empty and angry and cheated out of mundane tasks. i want cake, but something about that is celebration for something that should be there, but isn't. do you celebrate "almost", do you celebrate "potentially", do you celebrate "supposed to". NO. people look at you weird. i would look at me weird. my mirror self would not agree. something unnerving about being blindsided by an event that, under different circumstances, would be obvious. i wouldn't likely have waited until 2 weeks prior to start thinking about a birthday party. I feel like I have let him down. I forgot. that is the worst thing. forgetting.
i feel horrible.
1 comment:
Shawna,
You are not horrible. Your pain is so real and on the surface. I know it probably won't help, but I have come within days of my kids birthday before I figure it out. It's normal and it's okay. I promise you, Roman is not upset that you didn't think of it earlier, and he misses you too. Your post made me bawl!
It's so hard to accept that there is a reason behind what's happened. Just impossible most days. I can only see it when I'm feeling really, really strong. All I have of my Vincent is an image in my mind of how he looks as an adult. I know it's really him, and not just something i conjured up in my mind. He's tall, with broad shoulders, thick wavy dark hair. Eyes that sparkle, and they are brown! which is unusual cause all of the rest of us have blue eyes. He has a beautiful smile. And I can see from the look on his face that he loves me and he is happy.
Love you.
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