still......

I woke up this morning feeling very much the same as yesterday. crappy. I laid in bed just wanting to somehow sink into the mattress, which would be very easy considering i felt like i was filled with lead pellets. i remember this feeling well. i am not fond of it, knowing that i have a million responsibilities. i cannot slow down, let alone stop. i want to stop. my arms want to stop. my legs. you know, just lay down and give up for the day. maybe tomorrow, too. i swear, i have a list a mile long. all of them important. yet, i am willing to stop. i am not that type of person. typically. this tunnel vision that i have acquired makes me think i am that type of person. I forgot how horrible inexplicable this is. twice a year i become this crazy shell of myself. as much as i hate it, i cannot think that it is without purpose. that's another thing i hate, a purpose that i am not aware of. how many times have i heard that. "purpose to everything". I guess if you look at a situation as cause and effect, you can connect the two. what if you look at it and cannot connect the two. that is where i am. still confused, still sad, still frustrated, still in shock, still angry, still speechless. still wanting.